A Decision to Make
by mnemopsyche
Summary: sometimes, loving someone isn't enough...we have to make decisions to break ourselves and the ones we love just to spare somebody else that pain... g/c. finished.


**A DECISION TO MAKE**

**disclaimer: not mine...duh? CSI and the characters all belong to JERRY BRUCKHEIMER.**

**author's note: **i'm sorry if i can't type fast enough...hahaha..) will try to update sooner... **  
**

he watched her as she slept soundly beside him, and felt a pang of guilt upon thinking of the pain they would both have to endure when she wakes up. he though of everything they have and how he was about to throw it all away. he thought of his love for her, and he though of Sara's self-destructive heart and tears. it was a painful decision he had to make, but he has to do it, he must, even though he doesn't want to. she have lived without him before; she can live without him now. but Sara, Sara was different because Sara needs him. and he had promised to love her. he promised Sara...but he loves her not. he loves the woman beside him, this woman with her hair fanned out on the pillow, sleeping serenely beside him. but what has been done has been done, and he DID give his word to marry Sara, and to love her, and no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't break that vow.

he saw her stir slightly, and he sighed to himself. he stroked her strawberry-blonde hair lovingly,letting the feel of it rejuvenate him inside. softly, he whispered to her ear, "don't wake up just yet, Catherine..." she moaned softly and snuggled closer to his body. he wrapped an arm around her small, slender body and drew her closer to him, his heart both breaking and rejoicing at the same time. rejoicing because right now they were together, breaking because he must leave.

"maybe i should leave while she sleeps," he thought to himself as he kissed her forehead gently. but he knew that it would only make everything harder. he had to say goodbye and spare her the pain of not knowing why he left her without a word.

softly, he whispered lovingly as he ran his fingers on her naked back, "i love you, Catherine..."

and as though they were magic words, her eyes fluttered open, and blue locked with blue as they stared at each other's eyes. he felt a lump in his throat as he saw her shining eyes and the beautiful smile that lit up her face as she traced the outline of his face with a finger.

"Hey, you..." she murmured, and he realized saying goodbye can never be easy. he felt tempted to stay, to stand by her, to fight for his love for her, but he promised. he promised Sara he would love her and marry her. he promised her.

'But aren't promises just cold and hollow words?' he asked himself as he stared at Catherine's loving eyes. 'Stay if you must; don't let Catherine slip past your hands...no, don't give up on her...not for a stupid promise," the voice inside his heart was telling him with a clarity that made him believe he was actually hearing it out loud, and he knew he should listen. but he feel so afraid. he's afraid because his mind is telling him to go, to keep his word,because Sara needs him. needs him _badly._ Because Sara cannot bear to live without him.

but how about him? how about the fact that he can't live without Catherine? he can't live without her, he was very sure of that, but the thought of Sara meeting her downfall because of him made him shiver. the ongoing battle of whichoption to choose made him more confused, more bothered.

"Do you leave somebody you love because another person who loves you will destroy their life if you didn't?" he found himself asking her out loud.

she looked at him for a moment, the hurt and pain in her eyes making him cringe; tears brimming up her beautiful eyes of aqua blue. she looked away, and his heart got torn apart upon realizing she was crying. he realized his mistake, and wished he hadn't asked her. he can feel his heart getting crushed as he saw her tears falling.

"Cath...i'm sorry...i shouldn't have..." he said, reaching his hand out to caress her tear-stained face. she closed her eyes, and he heard her whisper, "it's Sara isn't it..?" he felt the pain and anger in her voice, and he couldn't surpress a shudder. she said it so quietly. so quietly and so coldly. the chill in her voice made him pull her desperately into his arms. she pulled away, and her eyes burned on his as she asked him, "Did you really love me or did you just pretend to, to make me feel better?" her voice was full of tears, and bitterness and contempt was evident in it. he cupped her face and kissed her, his lips trying to convince her with his unspoken answer. they broke apart, and he snuggled his head on her neck, kissing her bare shoulder softly before speaking up.

"i do love you Cath...it's just that..." he said, his eyes helpless and lost. she moved away, her hands touching his face softly.

"then stay, Gil...don't go...don't leave me...not like this..." she pleaded.

he closed his eyes; god knows how much he wanted to stay, but he couldn't. couldn't because of Sara. because she needs him. Catherine pulled him into her warm embrace, her voice soft and pleading, "stay, Gil...please...stay with me...don't...don't just go.." he can feel the tears burning their way down his chin. "Cath...i...i can't stay. She needs me..." he felt her holding him closer, clinging on him, "I need you, too...did you even consider that or did you overlook it? i need you here with me; i need you to stay Gil...please...please don't give up on me!"

she was begging him; begging him to stay with all of her.

"Cath...please..." he cried out, his heart breaking as he looked at her begging and crying.

"Why can't you choose me Gil? why can't you choose us? isn't it enough that i love you? god, Gil, i'd give everything...every single thing...just...just stay..." she said her voice breaking, the grip of her embrace slackening as she shook with unbearable sadness. she buried her tear-drenched face on his chest, feeling so weak, so hurt. why does he want to leave her? aren't they happy with each other? satisfied? in love? she felt the strength she had for fighting for them weakening, and with a defeated voice, she murmured softly, "if...if you really wanna leave me...if...if it what makes you happy...then...then go. if...you...love her...love her more than...than you love me...i'd...i'd be unhappy...but...i will let you go...coz...i don't want you to suffer with me...i love you..." she stroked his cheeks briefly, before contining in the same strangled, mournful voice, "but if...if you choose to stay...to stand by us...then i'd be...very happy...and i...i promise to make you happy too..."

"Cath..." he whispered, trying to soothe them both.

"Fuck, don't Cath me! don't walk out of my life Gil Grissom...don't if you love me!" she stared at his eyes, her voice forceful, "but if you don't...then go. just go to where you'd be happy. go..." and they both knew she said not only to convince him, but her as well. to convince herself that she can get on in life without him.

it was as though time stopped as blue stared at blue, hearts got torn apart as both of them waited for the decision that will either break them apart of bind them together even stronger.

"Gil..." came her desperate whisper as he struggled within himself as to what he truly wanted to choose and what he had to choose.

finally, he let out a sigh as he whispered with utter seriousness and love, "i...i want to stay, Catherine. i love you!"

she felt the broken pieces of her heart mending slowly, only to be shattered again when he spoke again.

"But i mustn't...and i shouldn't...i'm...i'm sorry..." with that he stood up and walked slowly away, picking up his clothes from the cold floor. he turned to look back at the woman in the bed shaking with suppressed sobs and tears flowing from her aqua blue eyes, and he whispered for the last time, "i'm sorry. i love you."

he walked away, out of her door; out of her life.

**the E N D**

**i'm sorry i let him walk away...'(**

**i was just in the mood for sad endings...'(**

**r&r please...)**


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